BLURBS: For the Home and the Workplace
01 November 2004
BLURBS FOR THE CO-WORKER
To get within ten feet of L__ is to experience the electrifying tension between the personal and the political. Equal parts gossip monger and standard issue drone, L breathes new life into middle management . . . anyone who ever wondered why the axiom "thank god it's Friday" maintains such resonance should look no further than L__'s cubicle, which blends family drama (cute kid photos), historic political commentary ("it's the economy, stupid" bumper sticker) and classic 20th century recreational iconography (slinky) into a veritable smorgasbord for the corporate senses . . . truly one to keep an eye on.
—Mary F., accounting department
K_ has been planning her wedding for going on 17 months, but for those who have the pleasure of sharing her work station, the drama never ends. Borrowing from the traditions of both Jane Austen and Cosmo's 10 Hottest Honeymoon Love Moves, K_ puts in a solid eight hours every day without lapsing into the cliché of her actual job responsibilities. A must-have for anyone who ever got married, knew someone who got married, or might get married in the future.
—Pauline N., next cubicle on the left
BLURBS FOR RELATIVES
What a piece of work! Aunt B_ is nothing short of astonishing. With both a haunting familiarity and a jarring, some might say terrifying spontaneity, B_ lets no comment go unchallenged . . . an unmistakable voice you'll never get out of your head, B_ can pull your heart strings, chill your bones and harden your arteries in just one sentence. Usually that sentence is "just who do you think you are, missy?"
—Nan, excused from dinner
Every so often, a family member comes along who is simply impossible to categorize. G_ is neither twice removed nor related to us by marriage. Yet he has a magician's talent for pulling "quarters" out of ears. Over the course of his distinguished, 30-year career, G_ has borrowed upwards of $75,000 from us. Ask him when he plans to pay it back and the answer will leave you laughing, crying, and seeking legal counsel. If you owned stock in Worldcom you'll sure want to own stock in G_.
—Ray, fourth cousin, seventeen-times-removed
BLURBS FOR PETS
Whiskers is a national treasure. At least he should be insured like one. Waging battles with diabetes, fleas, catnip addiction, and staggering veterinary bills, Whiskers is a living tribute to the triumph of human passion over reason. The fact that he's a ferret makes his journey that much more breathtaking, particularly if you have allergies .
—Tallulah, the Manx next door
With his latest work, Rex has firmly rooted himself in pantheon of notable western dogs. Not only has he torn up the yard with energy and passion of an animal twice his size, he has done so with an un-self-consciousness that is the hallmark of true genius. With a remarkable rawness and realness, Rex draws from the tradition of American folk art, responding to any discussion of his "process" with a blank stare.
—Duke, stray terrier mix
BLURBS FOR THE LOVER
T__ had me at the proverbial hello. In an age when quoting South Park is a substitute for having a personality, T_ 's sophisticated cultural references reveal the mind of a Renaissance Man. He quotes from Wilco records, This American Life broadcasts and once attended a dinner party with Nina Totenberg (they clicked.) From his astonishing knowledge of Chilean wines to that hilarious story he always tells about his Boy Scout camping "accident," T__ proves that you can major in cultural studies at Brown and still be a "real person."
—Katie V., Wesleyan '01
D_ took my relationship history and turned it on its ear. Literally. By the end of the first date, my ear hurt. D_ has a verbal style that grabs you by the collar and never lets go. The fact that I was wearing a tee-shirt made the experience all the more intense. I have a soft spot for D_. Unfortunately, it's right where my seatbelt hits and it hurts like a mother f*cker.
—Bill E., appreciates assertive women
BLURBS FOR THE EX-LOVER
Truly a guy to be passed from friend to friend like a favorite casserole recipe . . .. It's only a matter of time until an entire generation of women will have devoured J_ until there's nothing left of him but a couple of fillings and the whale tooth from his neck choker. When you think of "pay it forward," you think of J_. No backsies, we mean it.
—Kate V., now dating Bill (but it's casual)
H_'s emotional range is truly astonishing. From her sudden crying jags over dinner to her pitch-perfect tantrums about the frequency of your phone calls, H_ is a girlfriend who will be talked about for years to come (most often in therapy sessions.) Though some might dismiss her as merely a "messed up chick," H_ breathes new life into the psycho genre by dishing up both a borderline eating disorder and co-dependent relationship with her mother. Perfect for the beach, especially if no one's around to witness anything.
—Bill E., sensing a pattern
BLURBS OF BLURBS
This blurb is nothing less than a literary event. Terse yet loquacious, painfully earnest yet deftly disingenuous, total hokum yet sort of half-true, this blurb does for blurbs what emoticoms did for email messages. By transcending language itself, it's changing our conversation with humanity -- or at least shortening it.
—T__, freelance blurbist
Hands down the best blurb of the season . . . I finished it in under six seconds, took a deep breath, and read the whole thing again. If you only read one thing this year, make it this blurb.
—Rex, folk artist